Shifting From “Is This True?” To “Is This Helpful?”: A Better Way to Handle Difficult Thoughts
Have you ever found yourself stuck in an argument with your own mind, trying to prove or disprove a thought? Maybe it’s an anxious worry: What if something terrible happens? Or a self-critical belief: I’m not good enough. Or even a thought about a a romantic partner: They don’t love me as much as I love them.
When thoughts like these show up, it’s natural to ask: Is this true? After all, we’re wired to seek out truth and make sense of our experiences—it helps us make good decisions, stay safe, and navigate the world. In some cases, focusing on whether something is true or false is absolutely critical—like when fact-checking a surprising story in the news, evaluating your family members unusual views on foreign policy, or in trying to make ethical choices.
However, sometimes focusing too much on whether our thoughts are "right" or "wrong" can lead us down a rabbit hole of paralyzing analysis, argument, and emotional distress, and away from what really matters to us. Sometimes, a more useful question to ask is: Is this thought helpful?
The Cost of Over-Focusing on Right vs. Wrong
As we just explored, sometimes it works well to try to figure out what’s true. But when we over-focus on the truth or falseness of our thoughts in the wrong context, it can come with real costs:
It can lead to endless mental debates. If you struggle with anxiety or OCD, you might feel stuck in loops of overanalyzing or seeking certainty. Thoughts like Did I say something embarrassing? or What if I made the wrong decision? can pull you into hours of rumination, trying to resolve something that can’t be perfectly answered.
It can get in the way of relationships. If you’re locked in a disagreement with a loved one, getting hyper-focused on proving you’re right can make it harder to connect and understand where the other person is coming from.
It can distract from what actually matters. The more we focus on winning arguments in our head, the less we focus on what’s truly important—our values, or what we most want to do in our lives and how we want to do it.
A Different Approach: Helpful vs. Unhelpful
Instead of getting stuck in Is this true or not?, we can practice reflecting on whether our thoughts are helpful or unhelpful in context (meaning at that moment,). This is a major shift from looking at thoughts in terms of whether or not they are accurate. Instead, we’re looking at them more like tools. We don’t think a hammer is always useful - it’s useful for certain tasks, at certain times. Need to hammer in some nails to board up a window? the hammer is a great option. Need to change a tire? not so great. Our minds tend to think they are always the right tool, in every context. Need to evaluate a logical argument? sure, your mind is happy to do that. Want to enjoy a sunset? connect with your partner? choose what type of cake you would like for your party? Your mind is less likely to be helpful in these contexts, because they largely call more more emotional, or intuitive ways of knowing and behaving. Nevertheless, our mind is still likely to have all kinds of things to say, and will keep chattering on whether it’s helpful or not. However, even though we can’t stop our mind from doing this, we can get good at “stepping back from” our thinking and reflecting on whether or not it’s the right tool for what we’re wanting to move toward in the moment. Thinking about our thinking in this way can be incredibly helpful in avoiding some of the traps of our inner thought machine.
How to Shift from “Right/Wrong” to “Helpful/Unhelpful”
This shift takes practice, but here are some ways to get started:
Notice when you’re caught up in a debate with your thoughts. If you find yourself mentally arguing, overanalyzing, or stuck in a loop, that’s a sign to pause.
Ask yourself: "Is this thought helpful?" Instead of just trying to prove or disprove it, consider whether engaging with the thought is actually serving you right now.
Practice defusion. In ACT, defusion is the skill of stepping back from thoughts rather than getting tangled up in them. Instead of saying, I’ll never succeed, try saying, I’m noticing my mind is telling me I’ll never succeed. That little bit of distance can help you see the thought for what it is—just a thought, not an absolute truth.
Reconnect with what matters. Try to ask yourself, “what matters most right now?” Notice what comes up, and then ask, “If I listen to these thoughts, or get involved with them, does that help me to do what matters right now?”
Treat your mind like an overly cautious friend. Your mind often means well, but it doesn’t always give the best advice. When it serves up unhelpful thoughts, thank it for trying to help and then decide what actually works best for you.
Final Thoughts
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know the truth. But when it comes to our personal thoughts, sometimes the better question is: Does this thought help me live a meaningful life? is it helpful at this moment?
If you find yourself stuck in overanalyzing, ruminating, or obsessing over your thoughts, therapy can help. I offer evidence-based therapy including Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) in Austin, TX, to help you build a more helpful relationship with your thoughts—so you can spend less time stuck in your head and more time living the life you want. Reach out today to get started.
