When the Solution Becomes the Problem: Breaking Free from Vicious Cycles
Sometimes life feels like a loop we can’t escape. We find ourselves repeating the same patterns — reacting the same way, feeling the same pain, facing the same stuckness — no matter how hard we try to do things differently. And it’s not because we’re lazy or broken or lacking willpower. In fact, it’s usually the opposite: we’re doing our best to feel better, to fix what hurts, to regain control.
The problem is that many of the things we naturally do to get relief from pain — emotional or psychological pain — work really well in the short term… but same us up for more suffering in the longer term.
These are what are often called vicious cycles. And if you’ve found yourself caught in one, you’re not alone. I see this all the time in my therapy practice (and in myself, as well as my friends and family), and it’s something I’ve come to expect as a normal part of being human.
Vicious Cycles: What They Are and Why They Happen
At the heart of a vicious cycle is a common trap: a short-term solution that brings immediate relief, but then reinforces the very pattern we’re trying to escape.
For example:
With anxiety, we might avoid the things that scare us in the moment. We skip the meeting, cancel the plan, or try to push the worry out of our minds. And it works — temporarily. The anxiety dips and we feel relief. But the next time we face a similar situation, the fear is still there… often even stronger than before. Avoidance teaches our brain that we escaped real danger, so it think it needs to try even harder to avoid next time, which feeds the cycle.
With obsessive thoughts, especially in OCD, we might feel the urge to perform certain rituals, such as double-checking things, seeking reassurance, or mentally reviewing events over and over. This gives us a sense of control or certainty — but only for a moment. The doubt returns, and the cycle repeats, often becoming more intense over time.
With depression, we may lose motivation and feel overwhelmed by even small tasks. So we retreat. We stay in, isolate, or put things off. This can bring a temporary sense of relief — we don’t have to push ourselves today — but over time, we lose out on opportunities to do things that could actually help us feel better, and we feel even worse.
In relationships, when we feel hurt, anxious, or misunderstood, we might lash out in anger or withdraw into silence. And in the moment, it helps us feel safe, powerful, or protected (short term relief again). But those reactions can damage trust and connection, and the underlying issues go unresolved. We end up feeling more alone, more reactive, more stuck.
These cycles all look different on the surface, but underneath they share the same logic: we’re wired to seek relief from pain, especially in the moment. Our brains are built to prioritize short-term survival over long-term wellbeing. And in many situations — especially those involving real physical danger — this instinct has kept us alive. But when the "threat" is emotional discomfort, uncertainty, shame, or fear, that same instinct can backfire.
The Relief is Real — But So Are the Costs
I want to pause here and emphasize something important: if you find yourself in one of these patterns, that is totally understandable. These strategies often do help in the short term. They’re usually the best options we could come up with in a moment of distress, and/or they are the best strategies we could come up with earlier in our lives, such as when we were kids. They often start as coping skills. It's just that over time, they can become habits that narrow our lives and reinforce our pain over time.
The relief is real — but so are the costs.
We might find ourselves living smaller and smaller lives. Avoiding opportunities. Losing touch with what matters. Feeling stuck, and not knowing why. And then — as if that weren’t enough — we often add a second layer of suffering: guilt, self-criticism, and shame. We start to believe the problem is us, or that change is impossible. That is quite a trap!
But what if the problem isn’t you — it’s the cycle?
And what if there's a way to step out of that cycle, not by forcing yourself to feel better, but by learning to relate differently to the moments that pull you in?
The Choice Point: A New Way to Navigate Old Patterns
One of the key insights from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is that change begins with awareness — especially in the small, subtle moments where we feel that tug to escape, react, or shut down.
These moments are what we might call choice points. They often don’t feel like choices at all. They feel automatic — like urges, emotions, or thoughts that just take over. But with practice, we can start to notice them more clearly. We can learn to recognize the fork in the road: one path leads toward temporary relief and long-term pain, the other toward discomfort and growth.
This is where skills like mindfulness and willingness come in.
Mindfulness, from my perspective, isn’t about breathing calmly or clearing your mind. It’s about becoming aware of your present experience — your sensations, thoughts, urges, and feelings, or internal STUF — without immediately reacting to them or trying to make them go away. It's about noticing what's happening with curiosity, and without judgment. I often phrase this as noticing your own experience like a curious scientist might, or how you might notice clouds in the sky.
Willingness means making space for discomfort in service of something meaningful. It’s not about liking pain or resigning yourself to it. It’s about saying: “This feeling is here. I don’t have to like it. But I also don’t have to try to resist it or get away from it. I can just let it do it's thing”
When we build these skills, something powerful starts to shift. We begin to unhook from the automatic responses that keep us stuck. We stop fighting our inner experiences and start moving toward the things we actually care about — even if that path is messy, uncertain, or hard.
Learning to Surf the Wave
One metaphor I often use with clients is this: emotions are like waves. When we act on them impulsively — or try to fight them off — we usually get tossed around. But if we can learn to ride the wave, to be with it as it rises and falls, we build trust in our ability to tolerate intense inner states. We learn that we can feel what we feel… and still have choice about how we show up.
That’s not easy. But it’s possible. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Therapy can help you slow down the cycle, spot the choice points, and learn new ways to respond — ones that align with your values and make space for real, lasting change.
Moving Forward
If any of this resonates with you — if you see your own patterns in these cycles, or you’re tired of trying to "fix" yourself only to end up back in the same place — I’d love to help.
If you're struggling with your own version of this vicious cycle, reach out today to learn about how we can work on it together. Change is possible, and I'd love to support you in finding new ways through.
Jonathan McNutt is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Austin, Texas, specializing in anxiety, OCD, relationship issues, and low self-esteem. He uses mindfulness-based, compassion-focused therapies including Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) to help adults create meaningful change.
